How to Know When a Girl is Hiding Something [part Two of Two]

Part Two of Two:
Confronting Her About What She Is Hiding

1. Find a time to talk to her. Depending on your relationship, you could plan to talk to her at home, if she is your significant other, or you could make plans to meet her for lunch, for example.

*Avoid letting on that you want to talk to her about her secretive behavior, if you are making plans in advance. This will likely cause her to decline your invitation and make it harder for you to talk to her to find out what is going on.

2. Bring up the topic calmly and rationally. There is the possibility that she could become explosive when you bring up the topic, so do your best to diffuse the situation by remaining calm.

*However, this does not mean that you should be evasive or vague about what you are getting at. You need to be clear and straightforward about her secrecy so that she fully understands the conversation.

*“I get the feeling lately that you're keeping something from me. My relationship with you is important to me, so I'd like to talk about it.”

*“You've had some interesting reactions to comments I've made lately. I don't want to offend you, but it seems like you might be keeping a secret. Can we talk about it?”

3. Explain your thoughts and observations in way that shows her you are concerned. You are having this conversation with her because you are concerned about what is going on, and you want to resolve it, so help her understand that with your words and gestures.

*“I've noticed lately that when Bryan is around, you become distant and closed-off. I'm wondering what has happened to bring on this change in you toward him? I'm here to help you.”

*“Recently, you've become a little secretive when we talk about our plans with other people. I'm concerned, and I want to know if there's something that you need to tell me.”

*“The last time that we were in Mrs. Smith's class, you seemed really jumpy and fidgety. I'm here for you, if you want to talk about what happened to cause that.”

*“You told me the other night that you stayed in and read a book until you fell asleep, but Stacy said that the two of you went out dancing. I'm hurt that you lied to me, and I'm wondering why you felt the need to do that.”

4. Listen attentively to her response. Remember to stay calm, and give her the opportunity to respond to you without interrupting. If she continues to appear secretive, let her know that you are observing particular behaviors that indicate she might be lying, like an inability to maintain eye contact, making frequent pauses in her response, or giving too many details. Then, ask her again to be honest with you.

*If she continues to withhold what is really going on, then you need to consider the value of this friendship or relationship. What does it say about your relationship with her if she will not tell you the truth?

*“I heard you say that...”

*“I understand that you feel...”

*“I appreciate that you agreed to talk about this with me, but I get the sense that you're still not being completely honest. Can you share the whole truth with me?”

*“I'm really glad that we're getting the opportunity to talk about this. However, it seems like you have more you want to say but haven't yet. Go ahead and share.”

5. Give yourself time to process what she shares. In the event that she does share with you what she has been hiding, give yourself time to process it, especially if it is something negative.

   *Consider her reasons for hiding it from you and the validity of those reasons. Should she have been honest with you from the beginning, or is her secrecy understandable?

 *Evaluate the relationship, whether it was right of her to hide information from you, and what can be done to repair any hurt that was caused.